Congratulations! 

"AestheticsInMotion" (aestheticsinmotion) 08/20/2018 at 20:57 • Filed to: None

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You just scored a job as the head of transportation for the USA! Your word is law, you may enact any changes you desire in the areas of transportation and automobile-related infrastructure. Hold on, not so fast ! T here’s a catch...

After your favorite American sitcom was canceled years ago, you’ve harbored a seething rage towards the good ol’ United States.

“ How dare they!” you think to yourself, “wh o in their right mind would cancel Firefly?!”

Growing progressively more and more bitter as time passes, you hatch a devious plan... FOR REVENGE. All your years of planning, all your years of hardwork have finally paid off, and you can hit America where it hurts.

As the head of transportation your word is law, you may enact whatever changes you so desire. These changes though... Have to be for the worse. So what would you do, to screw things up?

Personally, I think replacing all highway onramps with 4-way intersections would be a WONDERFUL way to get back at all those dirty, good-f er-nothin Americans! If you thought zipper merging was bad, just wait until you have to experience the “interstate traffic light system”.

Now, I know what you’re thinking—

“we can’t let the bastards that canceled Stargate Universe go free with nothing more than a slap on the wrist! Interstate traffic lights? Take off the kiddie gloves and get serious!”

Okay, okay. I was holding back a bit but clearly we need to get serious.

As Head of Transportation I propose that from this day forward all vehicles be equipped or retrofitted with a device that beeps constantly when driving, to remind both the driver and passengers to remove their seat belts when they have reached their destination and are ready to depart the vehicle. The beeps will be both loud, and random. The system will hook into the stereo in order to auto adjust if anyone trys to turn the volume up. Patterns breed familiarity, familiarity breeds comfort, and the idea is to keep drivers as uncomfortable as possible in order to curtail the growing number of issues caused by this major problem.

Also, there’s a siren.

Your turn, sir. Give ‘em hell.

Honeybunchesofgoats > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:02

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I’d cancel the Gateway Project. OH WAIT. 

TheTurbochargedSquirrel > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:03

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Have fun fuckers.

promoted by the color red > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:08

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One word: Singapore.

Get ready to bid on the right just to own a car! Hope you enjoy your $70,000 Honda Civic. 

For Sweden > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:09

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If I hate America, I mandate that all cities have trams.

Not grade-separated light rail; trams.

The AE86 of Mt. Akina (Hachi) > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:12

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I would shut down the NHTSA for good. I’d personally love for that to happen,  but I think others might not. Still, I AM THE LAW so fuck everyone else.

TheRevanchist > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:12

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Toll roads in all the neighborhoods.

LongbowMkII > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:12

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This would cause people to pay attention to transportation in the US . The real key is subtlety. So I’d repave interstates like they do in Indiana and create semi- permanent crossovers and close off two lanes until we get around to finding the funding to actually pave it. 

The AE86 of Mt. Akina (Hachi) > TheTurbochargedSquirrel 08/20/2018 at 21:13

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I will!

Urambo Tauro > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:14

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R epeal the Highway Beautification Act, opening the floodgates for more roadside distractions.

daender > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:19

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Turn all the interstates into N urburgring -esque roads. Remove speed limits.

Alternatively, turn America into Hot Wheels world with loops and jumps!

nermal > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:26

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Implement a new regulation requiring gallows to be built at all fuel stations. The purpose will be to stage public hangings for people that park gas vehicles at the diesel pumps and then just go piss off for a half hour.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:29

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Everyone is banned from driving but me. The economy collapses but I get to enjoy a few days o f driving in roads I like again.

functionoverfashion > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:29

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Just let people sit in the left lane going under the speed limit with no intention of ever passing anyone or moving over for faster-moving traffic.

Let companies have cars with DRLs that don’t include taillights so people can blindly drive around at night, wondering why they can’t put on their high beams, while having no lights on the rear of the car.

Let people put ridiculous LED light bars on the fronts of their cars or trucks and use them on public roads - day or night - and even better, let them be on trucks that are lifted so high they’d probably drive straight over most cars in a head-on collision, and the bumper-mounted light bar shines directly into the retinas of most drivers.

Slap down VW for making efficient cars that are practical and halfway fun but also polluting; then allow rednecks everywhere to produce roughly the same emissions as a freight train while creating a James Bond-car-defense-like cloud of gaseous squid ink.

Don’t require snow tires or chains in snowy areas so you have people sliding all over the place and/or going 8mph when those of us with snows could be doing 30 or 40.

Don’t require safety inspections in all areas because who cares about “other people”

Allow people to put dark tint on exterior lights of their car, making them far less effective and making their cars nearly invisible to other drivers on dark, rainy nights.

After someone gets arrested and maybe even jailed for drunk driving, let them have their license back no problem. Even if they do it a few more times, keep giving them their license back after a while - they’ll learn their lesson eventually - maybe after killing a family; that will probably make it stick. Go easy on the drunks, they need a break.

Oh and coat the roads with substances known to be extremely harmful to the cars and trucks that drive on them, so that they may be a little less slippery for a period of time.

WilliamsSW > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 21:43

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Ok - I’ll take your suggestion to turn all interstate exits to 4 way intersections - with 4 way stops at each one. Fuck lights, that uses electricity.

Next, airlines are banned. We’re going to funnel that money into the interstate bus system. Buses will be given top priority and allowed to use any and all lanes. Same goes for trucks, which will no longer be subject to weight restrictions. Rail cars will be limited to 50 tons, however.

Have fun, suckers!

facw > AestheticsInMotion 08/20/2018 at 22:15

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But more seriously, I just can’t realistically see anything openly hostile to drivers not causing some blowback, so I think the thing to do is follow the vast number of ostensibly pro-car ideas that seem like good ideas to normal people, even though they’ve generally been shown to be terrible urban planning. For example:

Slash funding for transit. Let those poor people pay their own way right, why should we subsidize them!

More giant highways everywhere, who cares whether they destroy vibrant urban neighborhoods or pristine countryside. If the urban streets connected to them can’t handle the load, causing the highways to back up, that just means we need more highways. If that new highway through the exburbs ends up clogged once new subdivisions spring up around it, just build more highways.

None of these weird European intersections and interchanges. The stuff we have is obviously the best because we are America, and America is the best. So have stop signs everywhere, and if there’s too much traffic switch to traffic lights. If at all possible adopt Texas’ stupid service road model in urban areas, ensuring chaotic weaves all over the place, lights with super long cycles, and of course the beautifying presence of endless strip malls lining the highway.

Do away with emissions and safety standards for cars. People need to drive, and government shouldn’t be making their lives more difficult with silly regulations. Besides, cars are plenty safe and clean these days...

End traffic law enforcement. Nobody likes speeding tickets and who cares if you go through a red light if there’s no crash.

End gas taxes, nobody likes them, and just because some sissy Europeans want smooth roads doesn’t mean we need them. Take (decreased) funding from the general fund and blame bad roads on the wear caused by buses.

And probably more stuff along those lines. Destroy those jerks by giving them what they think they want!

Nom De Plume > facw 08/20/2018 at 22:16

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There was entirely too much thought put into this for zero stars.

OPPOsaurus WRX > For Sweden 08/20/2018 at 22:16

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Haha Americans hate nothing more that public transportation. (Although the public transportation doesn't do much to fix that)

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > AestheticsInMotion 08/21/2018 at 00:05

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Ahem. Is it my turn? It’s my turn? Awesome!

ATTENTION CITIZENS.
HENCEFORTH, CARS SHALL BE ASSIGNED FUN VALUES BY OUR CRACK JALOPNIK TEAM. VEHICLES PARKED WITHIN CITY LIMITS MUST HAVE A FIXED TOTAL FUN VALUE.
UPON THE GATES OF THUNDERDOME CLOSING , YOU MAY TRADE AND MODIFY VEHICLES FOR LESSER OR GREATER FUN VALUE.

LOSER VEHICLES WILL BE DELIVERED TO BALLABAN.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > AestheticsInMotion 08/21/2018 at 00:31

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I'd leave everything exactly how it is. Because people deserve terrible. So evil! 

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > AestheticsInMotion 08/21/2018 at 00:36

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Disband the Department of Transportation.

Recind all rules of the road and any capacity to enforce them.

Put an immeadiate sunset clause on all current vehicular safety regulations.

Allow private imports of any vehicle.

Allow powered vehicles of any kind or condition to be used on American highways and byways.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > For Sweden 08/21/2018 at 02:26

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Ha! I know exactly where that is 

Svend > AestheticsInMotion 08/21/2018 at 03:29

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I’d mandate that all big cars be given small engines like the 123bhp 1.0 Ecoboost Ford Mondeo. Then listen to you guys bleat on about not having 300+bhp, , blah blah blah.

It is a hatchback though and a manual , not going to be totally cruel.

I’d also mandate compulsory vehicle inspections like most of the rest of the world an d roundabouts and congestion charge zones. 

pip bip - choose Corrour > AestheticsInMotion 08/21/2018 at 07:16

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you’re evil

For Sweden > OPPOsaurus WRX 08/21/2018 at 11:06

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If all I knew was trams, I would also hate public transit